Monday 9 April 2018 by Gary Stanton

Theresa May calls on Rastamouse to beat London crime epidemic


Rastamouse to solve london crime

Crime-fighting rodent Rastamouse is the key to cutting knife-related murders in London, according to Theresa May.

As of lunchtime today, the chilled-out children’s favourite together with his gang Da Easy Crew, will be granted ‘nuff’ stop and search powers in a bid to crackdown on suspected ne’er-do-wells.

In contrast to the Met, the loveable third-generation immigrant has a one-hundred percent crime clear up rate and is seen as better value for money than putting more coppers on the beat.

Meanwhile, hardened gangsters and criminals have welcomed the initiative, with many believing they can have a better and more constructive dialogue with a sock puppet than they can with Amber Rudd.

The PM said, “Rastamouse has excellent connections with the gangs who are at the centre of this wave of knife violence and is happy to accept payment in cheese.

“With a starting salary of twenty kilos of Double Gloucester per annum, rising to thirty after a probationary period, we believe he is the right mouse for the job.

“So without no further ado, I ask you all to give it up, give it up, give it up for Da Easy Crew.”

Having agreed terms and conditions, Rastamouse and Da Easy Crew are said to be looking forward to making a bad ting good.

Rastamouse added, “I recently tracked down the thugs responsible for stealing Bandulu’s mixing desk, so ridding London of knife-crime should be a piece of piss.

“After that, Mr Corbyn has asked me to rid the Labour Party of anti-Semites.

“Tough gig.”

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