Monday 9 April 2018

Man unwilling to blame Russia for Salisbury poisoning unless he can personally review all of MI5’s evidence


Man suspicious of blaming Russia for poisoning

A man is steadfastly refusing to believe Russia was involved in the Salisbury poisoning unless the nation’s security services visit him at home and personally walk him through all of the classified evidence they have gathered.

With the Skripals now recovering in hospital, many online conspiracy theorists have donned their tinfoil hats to explain that Russia couldn’t have done it, because they’d both be dead already if they had.

Non-moron Simon Williams told us, “Look, I’m not an intelligence official, obviously, but I’m also not a fucking idiot, so I know our intelligence services will know things that I don’t, and they will know things they don’t want the Russians to know they know – I’ve seen The Imitation Game, I know how this works.

“Only a moron would refuse to believe Russian involvement based solely on the fact that the evidence made public so far isn’t compelling enough.”

One such moron, Chuck Matthews, told us, “I mean, I regularly believe people are guilty of things all the time, like when people I don’t like happen to get found guilty in court. I won’t have physically seen all the evidence there either, but I know someone has looked at it and I’ve decided it was enough.

“But here? I won’t believe Russia was behind these poisonings unless our domestic intelligence services break protocol and give me the security clearance required to review the totality of their evidentiary packet. There is no other scenario in which they can be believed. Even then they might fake the evidence – you see how easy it is for me to convince myself I’m right?

“I mean, yes, they shared their classified findings with intelligence agencies of many other nations, who, after seeing this evidence, have similarly banished Russian operatives from their shores, but that only means they’re also stupid.

“Can’t you see – everyone who has seen all of the evidence gathered by our intelligence services conveniently then deciding to dismiss Russian officials only looks bad because that’s what they want you to think.

“Wake up sheeple!”

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