Wednesday 4 April 2018 by Neil Tollfree

Trump proposes plan to arm cats and dogs


Donald Trump to arm cats and dogs

Following the latest mass shooting in America, President Trump has suggested the bold new plan of arming some cats and dogs.

“You know,” said Mr Trump.

“Studies show that there are always cats and dogs nearby when these shootings happen.

“So, I think that what we need to do is look at arming those cats and dogs.

“Think about it, you get these crazy people with guns and if they start firing at people then you might get a nearby cat, armed with good-quality sidearm from my friends at Smith and Wesson, and that cat could take down the shooter before he did any damage.”

Mr Trump said that the lack of opposable thumbs shouldn’t cause any problems.

“No, dogs and cats have tails, people. Those tails could operate a trigger. That shouldn’t be a problem.”

He also brushed aside concerns about arming animals incapable of rational thought with deadly weapons.

“Well, you’d be surprised at how intelligent dogs and cats are, you really would, folks, you really would.

“There was one time a dog managed to steal a Big Mac off my plate for three days in a row.

“So, I think that shows that, sometimes, dogs and cats can be even more intelligent than the President of the United States.

“Which isn’t something we’d have thought a few years ago.”

Me Trump did admit that there was one concern.

“Okay, so cats and dogs are mortal enemies and so I can see that there could be a problem that more guns amongst cats and dogs could increase the chances of armed conflict between the two species.”

However, he was confident that they had a plan in place to prevent that.

“We’re going to give cows guns to keep the peace, it’s the only sensible solution.”

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