Tuesday 3 April 2018 by EssBee

‘Right, I’m f*cking off until Christmas’ – Jesus takes a sabbatical


Jesus takes a sabbatical

Jesus Christ has announced that he is taking a break from the religious limelight for ‘personal reasons’ and that any prayers between now and December should be directed to St Peter.

The Messiah, speaking exclusively to us this morning blamed ‘family pressures’ and a need to ‘find himself’ as the main reasons.

“I don’t want to go into too much detail, as its private, but Mum and Dad have been having some issues and my Stepdad, Joseph, just seems to be getting the brunt of it,” he told us.

It is thought that Jesus’ blossoming friendship with Satan is causing friction within the Holy household, but this is something he denies.

“Dev just comes around a couple of nights to play on the PlayStation, we have a couple of games of FIFA and he leaves. There’s no problem, he’s a good bloke really, he punishes the bad guys and sends the good ones to us – he just gets a bad press.”

However, Mother Mary has pointed to a more straightforward problem, telling us that it simply a case of the ‘terrible two thousands’ and that she has been expecting something like this.

“It’s the same with all Messiah’s, you do your best for them, but as soon as they reach two thousand, they turn into right little bastards. He’ll be fine in a thousand years or so; it’s just a temporary thing. I’ve been trying to tell him for years that it’s about time we had a second coming, but he just lies in bed playing on his phone and eating crap.”

“I know people are worried,” Jesus assured us, “but they needn’t be, I am going to come back stronger, I just need a break until my birthday.”

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