Tuesday 3 April 2018 by Neil Tollfree

Man who claims to have spent long weekend ‘chilling’ actually just masturbated and ate crisps


man on sofa

A man who claimed to have spent the weekend ‘chilling’ has been exposed as a liar after being forced to admit that he actually just masturbated and ate crisps.

Simon Williams works in IT at Barlow and Williams investments and was this morning asked by colleague Lucy Plank if he had enjoyed a nice long weekend break for Easter.

He responded – “yeah, fine, I guess. Just spent it chilling really.”

“I don’t know, there must have been something in the way he said it, but I knew there was more to the story than that,” said Ms Plank, who went on the expose Williams for his dishonesty.

“I decided to press him, so I just went ‘Oh yeah? So, what did you do?’

“He just smiled and went ‘nothing. Just chilled.’”

Recognising that Williams planned to stonewall, Ms Plank made a bold gamble.

“It was reckless, I was playing a hunch, but I just couldn’t let him get away with these bald-faced lies. So, I asked him outright – ‘Si,’ I said, ‘when you say you were chilling, did you really just spend the weekend masturbating and eating crisps?’”

A pregnant silence hung in the room before Williams cracked.

“He just burst into tears and nodded without saying anything. It felt good, I’d exposed him for the fraud he was. I went back to my desk and had a biscuit.”

It is understood that police will not be taking the case further but Williams’ position at Barlow and Williams investments is currently under review.

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