Tuesday 3 April 2018 by Arabin Patson

Easter Bunny groped on White House lawn


Trump and the Easter bunny

The traditional Easter festivities at the White House, which include a much-celebrated egg hunt, were marred by reports that the Easter Bunny had initiated legal proceedings against the Trump administration for an unspecified molestation incident.

Simon Williams, the lawyer representing the giant magical rabbit, held a press conference where he claimed his client was assaulted by a party that could not yet be named.

“We are petitioning the Fifth Circuit to annul a non-disclosure agreement that my client signed under duress. Until then, we are limited in what we can reveal.

“My client was performing her duties as is customary when a person grabbed her by the haunches in what can only be described as a sexual assault. The person then told her she looked a lot like a furry version of his daughter and that everybody knew the reputation of rabbits.

“We will expose this to the world just like her aggressor exposed a penis that might or might not be comically small.”

A spokesperson for Donald Trump denied all the allegations and claimed the Easter Bunny was trying to generate publicity for a flagging career suffering from the rise in atheism.

However, the White House refused to comment on why Trent Strickland, a close friend and former lawyer of Mr Trump, had hand-delivered 200,000 painted eggs for no apparent reason.

Many observers also believe the pending lawsuit was the reason a tweet from Mr Trump was taken down 12 hours after it was posted.

In it, the President said that this Easter had been “Nice and juicy. Like a ripe peach.”

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