Wednesday 28 March 2018 by Lucas Wilde

New study says “no, pizza doesn’t secretly help you lose weight, you fat fucking moron”


man eating pizza to lose weight

Pizza is bad for you and always will be, according to scientists this morning.

In the wake of a slew of studies saying pizza can help you lose weight, wine makes you clever and chocolate makes you shag like a mule, actual scientists have stepped in to remind you of some basic facts relating to nutrition.

“Once again, the memes have lied to you, and you went along with it because it made you feel better about ordering a family meat feast all to yourself of a Friday night,” confirmed scientist, Elizabeth King.

“But yeah, we actually went and did a study and, lo and behold, it turns out that a massive disc of bread covered in cheese and tomato sauce isn’t very good for you. In fact, the quantities in which you are eating it are slowly killing you.

“I don’t know why we bother publishing full papers anymore. We should just release all of our findings in the form of memes and gifs. Then maybe you people would pay attention.”

Member of the public, Jay Cooper, said, “Yeah, but what does science know?

“I suppose having an untidy desk doesn’t make me a genius now either. Killjoys.”

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