Monday 26 March 2018 by Neil Tollfree

Republicans still prefer guns to children


Trump covered in blood

Despite one of the largest demonstrations ever seen on American soil, in which students across the country protested against being murdered when they go to school, the majority of Republican politicians have made it clear that they still really prefer guns to children.

“Hey, don’t get me wrong here,” said Simon Williams, a US senator with ties to both the firearms industry and Satan.

“I like children, I really do.

“I believe they’re the future and that we should teach them well and let them show the way, but the problem is that they don’t make me feel like a big man like guns do.

“And, feeling like a big man? Well, I guess that’s more important to me and my friends than children.”

Mr Williams’ sentiments have been echoed around Capitol Hill, with many other Republicans stressing the importance of feeling like a big man.

One Senator went on to explain how it was his religion that formed the basis of wanting to feel like a big man.

“And the Lord said unto the people ‘Lo, and did not the sons and daughters lay down there lives so their fathers may holdest thou unto a gun and shall ye feel like a big man. That’s definitely from the Bible,” he claimed

“I can’t remember exactly where, somewhere near the back.”

It is expected that the Republican party will continue to prefer guns to children until they open up their ranks to people who aren’t sexually inadequate borderline-psychopaths whose sole reason to enter public service is to feel like big men.

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