Monday 26 March 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Future school shooter learning plenty from school shooting drills


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Nobody is benefiting more from American school shooting drills than the school shooters of tomorrow.

Simon Williams, a swarthy 16-year-old who could easily pass for an adult at a gun show, is quietly losing his empathy for fellow classmates who seem quite keen to mock him about his clothes and his enthusiasm for Science-Fiction while practising hiding under a desk.

“It’s all jolly useful,” chuckled Williams.

“Nobody seems to have clocked that these drills are giving me a massive headstart in terms of formulating a strategy for when I eventually lose my shit and bring an AR-15 to school.

“The basic plan seems to be to lock the classroom door and hide, which means I’ll either get started during recess, or I’ll pull the alarm, join the herd in a locked room and wipe them all out, safe in the knowledge they can’t go anywhere.

“Thank God I can so easily get my hands on an assault rifle, I say. This would all be much more difficult if all I was armed with was a claw-hammer.”

School Principal, Andy Gunn, said, “Simon Williams? Oh, such he’s a great kid. Very quiet, some might say almost too quiet, but I don’t think that’s cause for concern.

“He’s been very enthusiastic about the shooting drills and was first to ask which fire exit we’d all be most likely to sprint through if we were being pursued by an armed intruder.

“He even went to the trouble of inspecting the locks to make sure they wouldn’t be accidentally locked in case of an emergency.  Very thorough that boy, a bright future ahead, I’m sure.”

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