Monday 19 March 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Geoffrey the Giraffe to be humanely destroyed


Geoffrey the Giraffe

Geoffrey the Giraffe is to face death by firing squad in the coming weeks.

As Toys R Us prepares to close its doors for good, the lovable, cartoon giraffe who serves as a treasured childhood memory to millions of people will subsequently be shot in the head.

“It’s a shame, but what can you do,” shrugged Toys R US spokesperson, Chuck Williams.

“He’s too used to life as a corporate mascot to be released back into the wild, and there’s no place for him here anymore.

“We’ll declare trading over permanently at 5pm on the day, then we will all gather in the car park to say a tearful goodbye to our faithful friend.

“We did get a bit drunk and discuss a hanging, but that seemed harsh and besides, hanging a giraffe is a logistical nightmare.”

Geoffrey the Giraffe said, “do I get a say in this at all?

“I mean… just to put this into perspective, I am a talking giraffe, I can’t believe that there is nobody out there who wants my services.”

Chuck Williams said, “It is surprising, yeah,” while measuring Geoffrey for a blindfold.

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