Monday 12 March 2018 by Gary Stanton

Theresa May hires Jamie Carragher to gob at Vladimir Putin

Theresa May Jamie Carragher

Theresa May has found a use for the soon-to-be-sacked Sky Sports presenter, Jamie Carragher.

Following his team’s 2-1 defeat to the scum at the weekend, Carragher demonstrated that he can hit a moving target from at least five yards with a huge string of catarrh.

May, meanwhile, has put the former LFC defender on the next flight to Moscow with a map of how to get to Red Square.

Downing Street Spokesman, Simon Williams, said, “In order to fulfil his mission, Mr Carragher does not even need to spit directly at Mr Putin, as that might spark a nuclear confrontation.

“All he needs to do is read out the sentences we have carefully prepared for him, each containing several embedded ‘k’ sounds, in that delightful regional accent of his.”

Williams continued, “A simple phrase, such as ‘I packed this suitcase quickly’, has the potential to inundate Mr Putin with enough saliva to require him to wear a life jacket.

“The second sentence ‘hey Mr Putin la – look at these thick tickets’ will then be deployed as a safeguard.

“If by this point the Russian leader is not encased in a dense layer of green mucus, he will be invited to ‘lick the sticky wicket’.”

Carragher added, “Arrrr eh – I can’t wait.

“The Kremlin is wicked.”

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