Thursday 8 March 2018 by Lucas Wilde

‘We should have expected death threats’ admit innocent women who sing songs for adverts

Flo and Joan nationwide death threats

Two female stars of Nationwide bank’s television adverts naively expected to be on television without suffering for it.

Flo and Joan, two female comedy performers who write and perform quick-tempo songs, caught a break when being offered a chance to star in national television adverts for the well-known banking chain.

“Not everybody likes their songs, so some of those people threatened to actually murder them,” confirmed Nationwide spokesperson, Jay Cooper.

“I was very surprised but my wife just kind of sighed and went ‘of course they did’, as if the idea of mildly successful women getting shot down is entirely typical or something.

“We get similar reactions whenever we feature black, gay or disabled people. What a world, eh?”

Flo or Joan said, “I just wanted to sing some songs for money.

“That’s kind of all we wanted, really. We didn’t want universal acclaim, just to be able to sing some songs, make some money and not get threatened with literally being murdered.

“I suppose it was a bit too much to expect all three. But two out of three ain’t bad, to quote Meatloaf.

“For the record, I don’t particularly enjoy Meatloaf’s music, but I’ve yet to issue him with a death threat for that reason.”

Online death threat enthusiast, Simon Williams, said, “they had it coming.”

“They were on telly singing songs that I didn’t massively like, so it’s well within my god-given right of free speech to direct-message them from an anonymous account and threaten to kill them.

“Yes it is, shut up.”

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