Tuesday 6 March 2018 by Arabin Patson

Ireland isn’t a real place, claims Boris Johnson


Boris Johnson on Ireland

The Foreign Secretary has once again drawn criticism after he claimed the Republic of Ireland was a storytelling device and not a country.

In a candid interview on Sky News, Boris Johnson explained that Ireland was a literary invention similar to Narnia or Middle Earth, used by Victorians writers as a warning about Imperial overreach.

The bombastic Tory elaborated further, “And here you have the symptom of Remoaner derangement. That the will of the British People should be stymied because of a supposed border with the Land of Lyre.

“I bet you they’ll want to know what our trade agreement with Lilliput will be next. Utter balderdash! Black beer, horses in tower blocks, a ginger in every home. It’s an obvious parody of what Britain would be if it were Catholic.

“Brexit couldn’t be simpler. Put up a hard border on a bridge in the middle of the Channel and just ignore rumours of cities across the sea the West.”

FCO handler, Simon Williams, struggled to explain Mr Johnson’s latest statement.

“What the Foreign Secretary was implying, in his own florid way, was that innovative solutions must be………You know what? I’m fucking tired of this. I’ve got a double first from Cambridge, a PhD from SOAS and I speak seven languages fluently. I lived with Yakut horsemen for over a year and brokered ceasefires between Colombian paramilitaries. And now my job is to explain whatever that Dickens Cosplayer farts out.

“Ireland is a myth? It’s no crazier than Bojo being our nation’s top diplomat. Fuck him, fuck Brexit and fuck you. I’m going back to the steppe!”

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