Monday 5 March 2018 by Gary Stanton

Where’s my f*cking Oscar? asks mysterious river-dwelling fish-man


Shape of Water Oscars

A bizarre river-based creature from the Amazon is furious this morning at being overlooked for an Oscar.

As The Shape of Water won Oscars for Best Film, Best Director and some others, its nameless, scaly protagonist was chastised by officials for dripping litres of water onto the red carpet.

The decision to overlook the frankly disgusting beast, despite several nominations, has added fuel to rumours that aquatic speciesism is rife in Hollywood.

“I’d written a speech and everything,” the creature told us. “I thought I was at least in with a shot for Best Supporting Amphibian.

“If I’d been born on land and wasn’t so much of a hazard around electricity, it would be a very different story, I can tell you.

“Seriously, I haven’t been this pissed off since I got caught up in a carelessly discarded angler’s net.

“What message does this send out to the next generation of artistic salamanders, newts and other ectothermic, tetrapod vertebrates?

“It tells them they’re not welcome amongst the Hollywood elite, that’s what it tells them.”

Cinema-goer, Simon Williams, said, “Speaking as a film-lover, this is the most disappointing evening I’ve experienced since I rented out Pacific Rim having totally misunderstood what the film was about.

“On the plus side, this is the probably the most water California has seen in about five years.”

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