Monday 5 March 2018 by Hattie Barry

‘Patriotic’ pensioner worried that next storm to hit UK will have ‘Muslamic’ name


Old man worried about storms with muslim names

A pensioner from Doncaster has expressed his concerns over a rumour that the next storm to hit the United Kingdom might be named something along the lines of ‘Muhammed’.

“This is all down to the vast amount of bloody foreigners crawling around these days,” said Simon Williams, former expat.

“Personally, I’m very well known for my broad and liberal views, but I will not condone Storm Abdullah-Al-Jabaar in my country.”

When reminded that in fact, the names for 2018 storms have already been selected by the Met Office and include Karen, Brian and Paul, Mr Williams said, “If you believe that then you may as well believe that primary school teachers shouldn’t be equipped with assault rifles.

“I’m bloody sick of the Muslamics” he added.

“I haven’t seen a white face in Doncaster for years! But that’s partially the fault of those liberals of course – the majority of English people are actually all lesbians now so I’m not surprised that all the kids around here are brown.”

“It’s a shame really,” explained Doreen, the wife of Mr Williams.

“I thought he would be comforted by the fact that Storm Emma recently battered the country, but he’s now convinced that the Beast from the East was a bomb-laden terrorist from Damascus who is going to furiously bless his breakfast sausages in the name of Allah.”

“This is exactly why I voted Brexit,” Mr Williams added.

“I can’t wait to witness all the bastards being plucked from boats in the English Channel and thrown back into the water. I’m convinced that Storm Abdullah-Al-Jabaar is going to bring over hoards of blood-thirsty Muslamics who’ll want to take Doncaster as a caliphate.

“Luckily, I’m off to Dubai next week to soak up some well-deserved sun and escape all this Muslamic madness.”

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