Saturday 3 March 2018 by Harry Palmer

Snow forces Audi driver to moderate driving style from ‘total bell-end’ to ‘dick’


Audi drivers in the snow

Audi driver Simon Williams has acted on advice about how to drive in snowy conditions by changing his driving technique from his usual ‘massive bellend’ to a more cautious ‘bit of a dick’.

“It’s important that everyone drives to the conditions in front of them, and I’m no exception,” says Estate Agent Williams.

“There aren’t as many cars on the road this week, so that means fewer cars to tailgate and flash my lights at when they slow down going past the local school.

“I’ve even slowed down to 40mph in the ‘twenty’s plenty’ zones – in times like this we’ve all got to do our bit.

“Unfortunately not everyone is as conscientious as me. I had some nutjob trying to get past me yesterday. He was sounding his horn and flashing his lights so I slowed right down to teach him a lesson; those bloody ambulance drivers think they own the road.”

Due to the heavy snow, Williams is the only member of his team that has managed to get into the office for the past three days.

He said, “My colleagues said I was an arse for buying a Q7 to drive around town in, but they’re not so smart now are they?”

However, colleague Lucy Barnes takes a different view. She said, “I don’t know what Simon is so smug about.

“He’s been stuck in the office answering all my calls and emails while I’ve been sat at home in my pyjamas watching a Games of Thrones boxset all week.

“Twat.”

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