Saturday 3 March 2018 by Dave Doink

Panic buyers stuck with shitloads of bread and milk


Angry panic buyers

Panic buyers are being forced to live off bread and milk after needlessly buying absolutely shitloads of the stuff.

Retired couple Arthur and Mavis Enderby withdrew £150 from their Post Office account after reading about Storm Emma in the Daily Express, before annoying neighbours by clearing the local shop shelves of fresh staples.

“We thought we’d got one up on Mrs Baxter from number 32 after we bought the last farmhouse loaves, but this morning she came back with a stuffed crust meat feast and a ready meal paella, and I’m on my fifth round of toast from the first loaf,” moaned Arthur, sipping a glass of semi-skimmed.

“We do this every bloody time and I’ve got no idea why. We don’t even have a freezer so half of it will go to waste. Why people don’t buy pasta and tinned food instead is beyond me.

“Plus I’m allergic to wheat and dairy.

Also caught out by the gradually improving conditions was self-proclaimed entrepreneur Grant Whitlock, who put £500-worth of diesel and jerry cans on his credit card.

“I was banking on flogging it off at extortionate prices to desperate car owners as society descended into chaos,” he explained.

“But then the council gritted the roads and the garage put their prices down, so I’m right out of pocket.

“Then it dawned on me that if the tanker trucks can’t get through then normal drivers won’t be able to get on the roads either, so panic buying fuel is an utterly fucking pointless thing to do.”

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