Thursday 1 March 2018 by Neil Tollfree

Boris Johnson proposes everyone simply pretends there is no Irish border issue

Boris Johnson on Northern Ireland and Irish border

Boris Johnson, Foreign Secretary and tubby calamity, has devised an innovative solution the problem of the Irish border issue.

Simply pretend there is no Irish border issue.

Boris revealed his highly sophisticated plan after EU drafted a document that attempted to solve the problem of the Irish border.

“Yes. Well. You see. A-ha. Right,” said Johnson, adopting the sort of bumbling posho persona that he still believes people find charming.

“Johnny Euro-chap is saying that we, the great British public, have to solve the problem of the Irish border.

“Well, I say that it’s high time we stood up to these euro-bullies and assert our right as one of the great nations of the world to pretend that there is no issue whatsoever with the Irish border.”

Maintaining a soft border between Ireland and Northern Ireland whilst Northern Ireland is not in a customs union with Ireland is a problem that has confounded many Brexit ministers over recent weeks.

Pretending it doesn’t exist will allow them to continue going on telly making outlandish claims about how, after Brexit, everyone will live in houses made of gold and have swimming pools full of pound coins.

However, security experts claim that pretending there is no issue with Irish border could lead to the collapse of the Good Friday agreement and a return to the troubles of the latter part of last century.

“Perhaps,” said Mr Johnson.

“But I think that everyone agrees that would be a small price to pay for my demented ideological crusade.

“Tally Ho. Pip pip. Down with those barmy Brussels bureaucrats and their bent Bananas.”

I think, therefore I am (not a Brexit supporter) – get the t-shirt here!

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