Wednesday 28 February 2018 by Essbee

Trans-Siberian Express cancelled due to pissing itself laughing at British trains


Trans Siberian railway trains cancelled due to UK weather

Thousands of passengers were stranded across the normally fully-operational frozen tundra of Siberia today after a number of trains had to be cancelled because they were in no fit state to run.

It is thought that the locomotives intercepted a BBC news bulletin, which reported that trains in the UK had been cancelled due to accumulations of more than six millimetres on the tracks, causing the Siberian stock to fall from their sidings in hysterics.

Residents of Oymyakon in the Sakha Republic, who have a regular service as long as the snow is less than five feet deep and the temperatures stay above -60 degrees, were bemused by the lack of a service and demanded an explanation.

“It’s just not good enough,” said 89-year-old grandmother Raisa Pavlova, “I have been up walking the dogs since 6am, tended to my elderly parents and now I just want to go into town for a cup of tea, yet despite the mild conditions, we have no transport.”

Meanwhile, back in the UK, it is thought that further forecasts of up to three inches of snow will lead to all trains and planes being cancelled and result in most schools to closing until the summer.

Sir Peter Hendy, Chairman of Network Rail told us today, ‘We will not risk the lives of our passengers and staff when there is a light dusting of snow possibly forecast, we apologise for the inconvenience and assure customers that we hope to be cancelling trains for more normal reasons, such as industrial disputes and appalling management, as soon as possible.”

Russian media has released unconfirmed reports that a rail boss will be executed for every cancelled train across the country, a model that Theresa May is reportedly interested in exploring.

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