Wednesday 28 February 2018 by Arabin Patson

Camden builds border checkpoints following Boris Johnson statement

Camden border

The London borough of Camden has begun the construction of watchtowers, tank traps and razor-wire fences following the announcement by the Foreign Secretary that they were, in fact, sovereign nations entitled to control their own borders.

Speaking from a newly-dug sniper’s nest overlooking Regent’s Park, Camden Council Deputy Leader, Simon Williams, explained that the clarification from a senior Cabinet member was just what many residents had always hoped for.

“We’ve always felt a bit different over here in Camden and for too long have had to see no end of un-pierced squares who don’t even play in a band, waltz in here from places like Soho or Dulwich, claiming the so-called right to move freely within London.

“We are a unique place in the world, home to talented visionaries like Noel Fielding and Justine from Elastica. Remember Elastica?

“The people who come here must be willing to adapt to our way of life and learn to dress like a teenager despite being 52-years-old, or constantly list the places in Camden they won’t go to because it’s for the tourists.”

The nearby borough of Islington, also mentioned by Boris Johnson as a quasi-nation, was still holding meetings about how to deal with their newfound status.

Amanda Tinnock, a local councillor, stated that most Islingtonites were uncomfortable with borders.

She explained, “We place great emphasis in transnational exchanges and welcome anyone who wants to join a trans-supporting, vegan-friendly, diversity-celebrating community run on the basis of collective decision-making.

“As long as they don’t drive down house prices.”

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