Monday 26 February 2018 by Jack Marshall

Teachers with machetes could solve knife crime in schools, insists Theresa May

Theresa May on knife crime in schools

Theresa May has said that giving teachers machetes could prevent knife crime in schools.

Despite all available evidence pointing to it being a terrible idea, May is considering arming teachers after watching that bit in Crocodile Dundee where Paul Hogan’s eponymous hero says “That’s not a knife, THAT’S a knife!” and frightens off a gang of would-be muggers.

Standing outside Number 10, May insisted that blade-wielding teachers would also teach children self-discipline, good manners and, most importantly, to be afraid of giant knives.

“We’re not going to fail this country’s children,” insisted May although she remained non-committal on delivering a better future for everyone else too.

She also pointed out that her idea had been misrepresented in the media as a call to arm all teachers. Instead, May only wants those who have already ‘mastered the blade’ to be armed i.e. teachers who used to be butchers, magicians or sushi chefs.

The PM’s proposal comes a few days after President Trump’s batshit crazy idea to arm stressed-out, under-appreciated government employees with concealed firearms in schools.

However, despite support from grassroots Tories, teachers have panned the PM’s idea as being “the latest in a long line of nonsensical unworkable ideas bandied around by simpletons”.

“It’s mad. There’s a good reason why Edward Scissorhands and that bloke from Assassin’s Creed don’t teach geography in Romford,” said Simon Williams, a geography teacher from Romford.

“Seriously, if we allow this, it’s only a matter of time before we see caretakers with nunchucks or lollipop men using tridents,” added Mr Williams.

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: