Monday 26 February 2018 by Gary Stanton

Beast from the East is not a work-shy Bulgarian sex offender, Brexiters told


Beast from the East

Leave voters have been reassured that the Beast from the East is a weather system, not a habitual sex offender from Sofia.

On hearing that the UK could expect a Beast from the East sometime this week, many Brexit voters assumed the worst and began barricading themselves in behind heavily-padlocked steel doors.

However, the Met Office insists that although it will feel much colder, your daughter is likely to survive with her virginity intact.

Met Office spokesman, Simon Williams, said, “The Beast is a massive slab of dense, cold air coming in from the North-East. Contrary to rumours on social media, it is not called Miroslav and it is not bringing five hungry, light-fingered children with it.”

Meanwhile, Leave voter, Dave Wilshaw, was having none of it.

“Easterly winds will make it easier for highly-skilled, tumescent EU migrants to enter this country by providing them with a tailwind,” he told us.

“A journey from Sofia to Dover in the undercarriage of an untaxed goods vehicle that would previously take two over days has been cut to just six hours because of these tightly-packed isobars.

“Yes, they’re bringing snow with them, but it’s the dry powdery stuff that these perverts relish.

“My vote to leave the EU was also a vote for the mild south-westerlies we had during January, except it didn’t explicitly state that on the ballot paper.”

The Met Office’s Williams added, “During this severe spell of weather, we’d advise everyone to check on any elderly relatives who will suffer due to savage cuts imposed by this government ..erm.. brothers and sisters.

“Unless they voted Leave, of course, in which case – fuck them.”

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