Tuesday 20 February 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Armed teacher from alternate reality admits she wounds at least one child per week

teacher with a gun

A schoolteacher from Dimension 61-K has visited our realm to suggest giving her a gun was actually a terrible idea.

Diana Hargreaves, 33, was issued with a Glock 17 handgun following another tragic mass shooting at a school so that she might defend herself and her class of whiny, hormonal, smart-ass 14 year-olds.

“On the plus side, the mass shootings that still take place are sometimes over a little quicker, as one or two of us managed to come to terms with the hideous idea of actually killing a person,” confirmed Hargreaves.

“On the minus side, we are some of the most stressed out, underpaid, overworked employees on earth and we have to deal with your little bastards making fart noises behind our backs on a daily basis while they also question the value of everything we are trying to teach them.

“Then we have to go home and attempt to mark their work, usually while wading through a sea of crudely drawn penises.

“So, unfortunately, we do lose our rags on occasion and fire a round into someone’s arm.

“Personally speaking, I’ve been arrested 18 times so far this year, but let out on an insanity plea every time.

“As the judge himself explained, you’d have to be insane to voluntarily work in a building full of underappreciated, caffeine-addled, sleep-deprived adults all carrying loaded firearms.”

Visitors from the dimension in which America has banned firearms altogether have yet to make contact with our world because, despite the infinite number of potential dimensions, that dimension doesn’t appear to exist.

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