Monday 19 February 2018 by Neil Tollfree

Shock Report: 21% of the population still only have access to analogue porn


people still accessing analogue porn

A hard-hitting report has today revealed that nearly a quarter of the UK population is only able to access pornography in analogue form, either by mail-order DVD or by waiting until it’s not the young girl in the corner shop serving and purchasing a magazine.

“This shows just how technologically backward the UK is in terms of pornography,” said Eleanor Gay, Professor of Bongo, Grumble, and Rudies at Oxford University.

“In 2017, one would expect that the uptake of digital pornography would be 98-99%, that is certainly the case in Germany and Japan.

“But in this country, 21% of people are reliant on their local corner-shop being staffed with non-judgemental middle-aged men from whom they can purchase a copy of Razzle.

“It’s nothing short of a national scandal – we should all be embarrassed.”

Professional hat-wearer Simon Williams is still forced to indulge in analogue pornography.

“Yeah, I mean, I have to buy magazines and that. I’m on quite a low-income so I can’t afford to get my pornography on the internet. I mean there’s line charges, subscription fees, all sorts, it’s just too expensive.

“The Government should definitely do something to help people like me get easy access to online smut, but they won’t though, they never do.”

The report recommends the Government appoints a digital pornography Tzar with a wide-ranging remit to get up to 90% of people moved over to digital pornography by the end of 2019.

Boris Johnson has reportedly thrown his hat into the ring for the job, insisting no-one knows more about being an ineffective wanker than him.

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