Saturday 3 February 2018 by Arabin Patson

Jacob Rees-Mogg to join Chelsea Headhunters


Jacob Rees Mogg to become hooligan

The prominent Brexiteer and pantomime politician Jacob Rees-Mogg has stated a desire to join the notorious Chelsea hooligan firm after a scuffle at Bristol left him feeling “truly alive for the first time”.

The notoriously aloof Tory has now joined a gym specializing in mixed martial arts and instructed his groundsman Lee to put him in contact with hooligans on the belief that all people with tattoos must know each other.

Mr Rees-Mogg addressed the press at an improvised outdoor gym set up behind his stables to explain his new position.

He declared, “One never quite knows who one is until one has had a ruck.

“I’ve always felt something was missing from my life until those young creatures started throwing punches in front of me. It was a revelation! Now I need the rush.

“You’ve never been alive until you embrace your inner demon and become a creature of pure blood and rage.

“So I’m going to gain a reputation as a tasty lad in the hope some top boy in Chelsea wants me in on a meet.

“I have had the staff buy me a Stone Island Parka and one of those American hats with a visor and I hereby challenge any muppet from any firm to square up if they fancy themselves.

“Did I say that right, Lee?”

In addition, unconfirmed rumours abound that Jacob-Rees Mogg has hired Danny Dyer as a street fighting consultant for a large sum on the strict conditions that Mr Dyer stay lice-free and not try to bed the scullery maids.

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