Wednesday 31 January 2018 by Arabin Patson

Theresa May asks China for political asylum


Theresa May seeks political asylum in China

Theresa May has thrown the government into turmoil when she used a banquet in Beijing to escape her bodyguards and ask junior members of Xi Jinping’s staff for permanent asylum.

Sources close to the Prime Minister state she wanted refuge on the basis she was being subjected to cruel and abusive treatment in her native country.

Although the Chinese government is notoriously reluctant to grant asylum to political refugees, it is said Theresa May moved the Chinese Premier by showing him the past week’s headlines from the Daily Telegraph.

A spokesperson for the Chinese Politburo, Yun Zhenghua, explained that there was a possibility Mrs May’s tragic situation could cause an unprecedented break with their policy of non-interference.

“We don’t like to meddle in other nation’s affairs. And we know all to well how so-called Human Rights are used like a cudgel by the West.

“But we have a heart. We don’t understand why your people force Mrs May to be humiliated daily by your village idiot or whatever Mr Johnson is.

“Let her rule or give her a crappy province to run nominally if you don’t want to shoot her.”

Mr Zhenghua explained that Mrs May’s resignation was unlikely to change the terms of China’s post-Brexit relationship with the UK.

“Regardless of who is in charge, we are looking forward to dealing with Britain outside the EU.

“We have completely forgotten when you used your guns to force our people into becoming opium junkies.

“We will never use the huge trade deficit you have with us and your ridiculous self-imposed isolation to force you into becoming a nation of servile minstrels for our wealthy tourists. Definitely not.”

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