Friday 26 January 2018 by Lucas Wilde

New Amazon service will hogtie and deliver drivers who carve you up


Man tied up in basement for bad driving

Amazon will find that prick who did you at the traffic lights and bring him to your house in chains.

A new service from the online shopping giant allows you to simply send the license plate number, with the relevant driver being hog-tied and delivered to your door just 24 hours later.

“We call it ‘Amazon Street Cleaner’, and it’s going to be massive,” confirmed spokesperson, Jay Cooper.

“Upon receiving the license plate number, we’ll visit the driver’s house, chloroform them, tie them up, and deposit them on your doorstep like the utter bag of dogshit they so clearly are.

“What happens after that is none of our concern. You can go full Reservoir Dogs on them from that point. You’ve paid for them, after all.”

Driver, Simon Williams, said “I had my first delivery yesterday. Some bastard in an Audi who cut in front of me on the exit to the M25 from the M4.

“He was really scared when he woke up in my basement, tied to a chair.

“I didn’t do anything too brash. I just read the highway code at him at a gradually increasing volume until I was screaming the correct etiquette at a roundabout into his crying face.

“Then I threw him in the canal.”

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