Friday 19 January 2018 by Lucas Wilde

UKIP campaign to ‘Bring Back Fingering’


UKIP to bring back fingering

UKIP has finally found their purpose in a post-Brexit world.

The party has struggled for direction ever since their sole reason for existing was fulfilled; that reason being crashing Britain out of the EU and headlong into a future of doubt and uncertainty.

“So it’s time for something new or, rather, something old that needs bringing back in the same way we brought sovereignty back to the UK, and that thing is ‘fingering’,” confirmed UKIP spokesperson, Simon Williams, in a keynote speech to the party.

“Our modern young people are walking down a dangerous path where they hop straight into bed for hardcore supersex, without ever experiencing the traditional British romance of getting two up a girl behind a skip.

“It is time to bring back traditional British foreplay, and that means traditional British fingering,” concluded Williams, to a standing ovation, with “Three Is A Magic Number” playing in the background.

UKIP member, Tracey Hawkins, said, “I remember the first time my husband fingered me. It was in a phone booth in Ipswich.

“And now both phone booths and fingering are basically obsolete, as indeed is Ipswich – which is such a shame. About the fingering, not Ipswich.

“This policy is classic UKIP in that harks back to a mythical golden age that I definitely remember as being real – which immediately proves that I definitely haven’t overly-romanticised the jack-hammer finger-blasts of my youth.

“We might not be able to bring back the phone booth but, as God is my witness, we will bring back fingering.”

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