Thursday 18 January 2018 by JS Harding

Manky folk urged to cease using saliva to turn over pages


Turning pages by licking fingers

Dirty buggers who are unable to accomplish a task as simple as turning a bit of paper over without leaving a sample of their spit on the bastard thing are being urged to just bloody stop it, it has been confirmed.

Membership numbers of the campaign group EW, SPIT! – ‘England & Wales, Stop Putting It There!’ – has swelled to a new unprecedented level recently, although the group’s detractors argue that this is mainly because it’s the only group of its kind and therefore no actual precedent has been set.

However, those who are signed up to the group have made their mission clear: to stop people slowly licking their finger to aid page turning, which leaves the next paper or book peruser with a slightly sick feeling at the back of their throat.

Recent EW, SPIT! recruit and ‘flob fighter’, Simon Williams of Basildon, has talked of his vision of a ‘spittle – free’ working environment for future generations.

“It could be so beautiful if everyone just tries a little bit harder,” whispered Williams.

“A world in which one flicks through a newspaper without leaving bodily fluids on the top right-hand corner of the TV guide, the letters page… Hell, maybe even the horse racing bit.

“Yes, it can take up to 0.00156 seconds longer to turn a page without succumbing to the visceral thrill of involving your saliva.

“But just try not to prove Locard’s exchange principle every time you want to turn over to the next page.

“Or I’ll start using my bogeys as squidgy paper clips, y’ hear?”

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