Wednesday 17 January 2018 by Arabin Patson

Macron agrees to lend Britain a giant tapestry of French blokes kicking the shit out of Englishmen


bayeux tapestry coming to the UK

In a move seen by many as an olive branch to Theresa May’s government, the French president has allowed the unprecedented loan of the Bayeux tapestry, a medieval masterpiece commemorating the decisive victory inflicted by a young charismatic French leader over squabbling Saxon lords.

Simon Guillaumes, the curator of the Musee National de Bayeux, explained that President Macron had personally asked for the 70 meters long tapestry to be made ready for the trip to London.

He told reporters, “The president was very keen that British people get to see such an important part of their heritage.

“It’s a beautiful historical snapshot of how focused Norman warriors casually swept aside enfeebled Saxon chieftains and their obsolete fyrds full of ignorant peasants clinging to antiquated ways.

“Look at the rich detail! You can see the Norman archers smiling as they simply arced their shots over the shields of the gobsmacked, unimaginative Saxons who thought they were safe on their sovereign isle.

“And it’s such a lovely tale. A British leader finding himself at the mercy of a hospitable Norman Duke makes promises he had no intention of keeping and never wonders why the target of his deceit was nicknamed the Bastard. Or that it might be unwise to piss off people who had seized kingdoms from the Volga to Sicily.”

Other European governments have decided to join the friendship-through-art initiative started by France.

Sweden and Denmark have sent superb collections of Norse metalwork from the time where their illiterate subsistence-farming ancestors sailed to Britain and easily defeated the opposition of vainglorious local rulers.

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