Monday 15 January 2018 by Dominic Brancaleone

New study reveals Londoners never more than 6ft away from a twat


London Twats

A recent study conducted by researchers at Bath University has concluded that London is so full of twats that you’re likely to never be more than 6ft away from one.

The team originally aimed to debunk the theory that you’re never more than six feet away from a twat, but the study found that the number of twats in the city was far in excess of any predictions and that they and pose a far greater threat to society than previously believed.

Speaking about the report, Professor Simon Williams told us that the steep rise in twats could be linked to a number of recent issues.

He explained, “Gentrification, hipsters, trendy barber shops, microbreweries, veganism and the rise of CrossFit have all been contributors to the rise of twats in the capital.

“Of course, the rise in twats isn’t limited to London – but it’s certainly where we’ve found the highest concentration.”

Speculating on what might have lead to the increase, Williams continued, “We can quite accurately pinpoint the moment there was a sudden rise in twats, which coincided with the opening of the Cereal Killer Café in London’s Brick Lane.

“The shop provides bowls of popular ‘90s cereal for £3.50 a pop. You’d have to be a twat to buy into that – and not only have they opened other stores, but they’re making a fucking musical about it.”

Professor Williams went on to say that there are a number of attributes you can look out for when trying to identify a twat.

“Shit tattoos, beards, so called ‘trendy’ haircuts, check shirts and jeans that are too short are all tell-tale signs. And you should be particularly careful of twats that ride ‘fixie’ bikes.”

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