Wednesday 10 January 2018 by Davywavy

Woman to flee country after farting during Yoga class


Yoga class fart

A woman who let a massive fart go halfway through downward dog has already packed and is at the airport, according to reports.

44-year-old Simone Williams realised within seconds of producing such a massive and above all noisy guff that she’d never be able to look anyone she knew in the face again, and so immediately took steps to abandon everything she knows for a new life under an assumed identity in Brazil.

Excusing herself from the class ‘for a moment’, Simone didn’t even both changing before heading home to stuff a few valued possessions into a bag and to leave a brief goodbye note for her husband of eleven years – who doesn’t know he’ll be cooking for himself tonight yet.

“It’s a mystery how my delicate and ladylike guts could produce such a belter,” she told us from behind a false nose, glasses and moustache at the departure gate deep inside Heathrow airport.

“Normally in Yoga or Pilates you relax your core and, you know, they just slip out silently and you glare at someone two places down the line, never entirely sure if it was one of theirs, or not.

“There is normally a level of uncertainty over fart ownership that allows us to continue looking at each other in the eye.

“But not this time. Jesus, I sounded like a cruise liner in the fog. Everyone just stared and then started giggling, and blaming me for their farts as well, the silent but whiffy bastards.

“My life is over. I can never go home.”

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