Wednesday 10 January 2018 by Davywavy

Twitter to start issuing pitchforks and torches


People opening a new Twitter account will receive either a burning brand or the medieval agricultural implement of their choice, the company has announced today.

Users of the social media network are expected to use the free gifts to pursue unpopular public figures whilst chanting incoherently with rage, allowing them the full Twitter experience even when not logged in.

Users are encouraged to use the gifts in the real world as they would their online accounts, by forming impromptu mobs to hound people guilty of even minor infractions.

“Sometimes people aren’t at their screen, or logged in to our App, and we want to ensure they can get full Twitter participation experience by marching down the street waving a pitchfork and shouting something with poor punctuation.

“Who knows, you might see an unpopular politician or celebrity who made an ill-judged comment. With our pitchforks and torches, you can respond immediately without the inconvenience of having to access your Twitter account.

“In many ways, the keyboard is the 21st-Century pitchfork. You can use it to stab at people you hate from a distance with little risk to yourself.

“And you can use your blazing torch to flame people. This stuff just writes itself really.”

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