Tuesday 9 January 2018 by Arabin Patson

Red faces at CCHQ after Tories accidentally announce a decent human being had joined the Cabinet


Tory party embarrassed

Officials at the Conservative party were left embarrassed after someone mistakenly tweeted that Amanda Tinnock, a respected and moderate backbencher, would become Minister for Pensions.

The press office rectified its mistake after 15 minutes but not before many people had congratulated the centrist MP for being the only person in government they would accept food from.

A spokesperson for CCHQ, Simon Williams, blamed overzealous interns for giving the public the impression Theresa May had elevated a decent politician known for her outstanding constituency work, instead of some repugnant lackey willing to endlessly pander to the right-wing press.

Williams explained, “It was a busy night. One of our volunteers misheard a name and just typed away. But the British people can rest assured that at no point was a centrist politician, with a knack for cross-party initiatives, ever going to be given anything even remotely resembling genuine power.

“The Cabinet reshuffle was the usual exercise in clique-building designed to protect the Prime Minister from the backstabbing snakes she has to keep near her because of Brexit.

“The DWP will, of course, be headed by someone with no experience in the field and whose sole qualification is an ability to watch a video of a cabinet colleague drunkenly shooting puppies and then immediately blaming Jeremy Corbyn with a straight face.”

Ms Tinnock declined to comment directly but did refer journalists to a July 2017 appearance on Radio 4 where she famously lamented that “the party of Disraeli has been taken over by a shower of pointless wankers who think their viciousness somehow compensates for their mediocrity.”

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