Saturday 6 January 2018 by Arabin Patson

Government responds to NHS crisis with emergency deployment of half-arsed apologies


Theresa May NHS apologies

As the winter crisis in the NHS worsens, the government declared that it would provide an unprecedented number of senior Tories delivering insincere excuses for the condition of the health service that they deliberately underfunded.

Teresa May was the first to go on television and explain how sorry she was that the hospitals she is starving of funds and staff, are struggling to cope with extra demand.

Her tepid and mealy-mouthed excuse was followed shortly by an even more unconvincing display of regret by Jeremy Hunt, a man who once wrote a policy paper about privatizing the NHS.

Simon Williams, a spokesperson for number 10, explained that Downing Street would provide a constant stream of hypocritical ministers performing lazy mea culpas on camera for as long as the NHS crisis continues.

He went on, “This government will not stand idle as thousands of hard-working Britons face the anguish of having their operation cancelled without so much as a glib sorry from a Cabinet member.

If holiday recalls for NHS staff and the Grim Reaper don’t free up some beds by Wednesday, we won’t hesitate to send Phillip Hammond to show a simulacra of contrition on Loose Women.”

Asked if the Tories would send Boris Johnson or Michael Gove to join the chorus of Tories pretending to give a toss about a service they don’t think should exist, Mr Williams said that their presence might not be the most useful.

He concluded, “Put it this way, the original emergency winter funding was going to be around 350 million. See the problem?”

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