Saturday 6 January 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Evil micro-universe discovered in Donald Trump’s Fleshlight


Donald Trump's fleshlight community

Donald Trump’s battered Fleshlight is the site of an evil micro-universe, it was discovered today.

The discovery was made after a particularly unlucky White House staffer drew the short straw and was tasked with finally cleaning out the manky vagina substitute – affectionately referred to as “Ivanka 2.0”.

“I was carrying the fleshlight to the disinfectant pool and trying to think of nice things while breathing through my mouth,” confirmed White House porter, Simon Williams.

“That’s when I heard the evil singing, unsure of where it came from at first.

“I can’t be sure, but it sounded like a classical rendition of popular rape anthem Blurred Lines in a minor key.

“We popped the fleshlight under the microscope that President Trump uses to compare his penis to Kim Jong-Un’s, and there it was, an entire evil society created by nothing more than the power of the President’s spunk.

Leader of the micro-universe, Emperor Dotard, said “MWAHAHAHAHA.

“…sorry, in our evil language, that means ‘hello’.

“We came to exist some months ago, just after the Presidential inauguration of our creator, the Lord Almight, the entirely stable genius that is Donald Trump.

“Legend has it he had a particularly hard cry-wank that day, and the resultant deposit, plus bacteria accumulated over the passage of time led to the evil-yet-tiny society you see before you.

“Our national pastimes include sexual harassment, evil golf, blowing our own trumpets and bowling with the heads of dead beauty pageant winners.

“We are all the Lord Trump’s children, perhaps the most likeable he’s ever had.”

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