Thursday 4 January 2018 by EssBee

Injured and malnourished family rescued from quick game of Boxing Day Monopoly


Monopoly

Emergency services were today called out to a middle-class family home in Surrey, following reports by neighbours of “shouting and a funny smell”.

Fire-fighters used special equipment to break down the door of the detached house to find the family draped across the table, shouting incoherently at each other and sitting in piles of their own excrement.

A spokesman for the fire-brigade, Charlie Bold, told us, “It was quite extraordinary, but we do see a lot of this just after the new year.

“Once the game reaches a stalemate, nobody wants to leave the table in case another player steals their money or cards, or in case the other family members cut them out of a will or plot to murder them. It’s a surprisingly common scenario.

“We’ve found that very few people genuinely trust their own family members, especially when bragging rights are at stake.”

It is thought that the family had survived by eating scraps of food that had become entwined in the hair of a stray Yorkshire terrier which gained access via the cat-flap on New Years Eve, and had been drinking their own urine since New Year’s Day.

Three of the six members of the family were taken to a local hospital, suffering from lacerations to the face and severe bruising, allegedly caused by Grandad landing on Mayfair last Friday.

MPs have urged the government to start taking such events more seriously and it is thought that they are considering running a drink-drive style safety campaign over Christmas 2018 to warn of the potential dangers of Monopoly.

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