Wednesday 3 January 2018 by Lucas Wilde

White House insists ‘no subtext’ to Donald Trump’s boast about a ‘bigger, thicker, harder button’


Donald Trump big nuclear button

Trump’s boast of a nice, girthy nuclear button absolutely does not speak to a deeper insecurity, according to reports this morning.

The current 45th President of the United States and grandfather to the Sugar Puffs Honey Monster took to Twitter last night to remind the world that he not only had a bigger button than Kim Jong-un, but that “my button works”.

“The President meant what he said, and nothing more,” confirmed a senior White House spokesperson.

“He has further confided in me that his button is certainly bigger than average, with a nice veiny thickness to it that would put one in mind of a fleshy tube of tennis balls.

“He also said it would give a woman a good time if she sat on it, which was confusing but I’ve learnt that when he starts talking it’s just best to go with the flow at this stage.”

Freudian analyst, Dr Simon Williams, said, “Sometimes a nuclear button is just a nuclear button. Nothing more, nothing less.

“Some might suggest that, in this case, it’s a metaphor for one big, international dick-measuring contest being played out in the world’s media for everyone’s entertainment.

“However, in my clinical opinion, Donald Trump simply doesn’t display any of the typical behaviours that we might associate with a man suffering from a phallic obsession – behaviours such as an inflated ego, excessive defensiveness or an addiction to public confrontation….”

“Oh, hang on. Wait. It’s just occurred to me that I may be looking at the wrong file.”

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