Wednesday 3 January 2018 by Jack Peat

Theresa May to appease grumpy commuters by turning rail tickets blue


Blue train tickets

Theresa May has announced that all rail tickets will be blue from March 2019 in a move designed to appease grumpy commuters upset at paying more than they used to.

The prime minister, who successfully offset worries over the Brexit fallout by bringing back the historic blue passports, is set to continue the trend this year after seeing an outpour of support from British imperialists.

According to sources in Westminster, the Conservative party are also considering turning pay packets blue to make light of the fact that real wages are tumbling at an alarming rate of knots.

Jeremy Hunt’s suggestion to rebrand the NHS to blue was declared a non-starter.

Commuters were yesterday met with an average price hike of 3.4 percent, with news that May plans to change the colour of tickets being met with a mixed response at Peterborough this morning, where a season ticket now costs £7,864.

“If she thinks changing the colour of my ticket will bully my spirits then I’ll bully her,” one commuter said, before adding, “wait, they’re going to blue? Well why didn’t you say, that’s incredible news, I feel more patriotic just thinking about it!”

However, not everyone was as pleased. “Rich that she chose blue,” explained another, “as that’s the colour I usually turn after I can’t get on the third packed train in the morning.”

Along with the price hikes and severe overcrowding, train travellers also learned today that three out of five passenger journeys on Britain’s rail network are on foreign-owned services.

Most of the revenue generated by Britain’s railways now goes to Germany and Holland, where train travel is cheap, clear and comfortable – mainly due to being subsidised by the profits they make from British travellers.

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