Tuesday 2 January 2018 by Arabin Patson

Toby Young is world’s foremost expert at insulting students, explains Jo Johnson


Toby Young

The Minister for Universities defended the controversial decision to appoint Toby Young, an abrasive right-wing pundit, to the newly created University Watchdog.

Jo Johnson explained, “Toby has been a trendsetter when it comes to hurling repetitive abuse at heavily indebted young people whenever they look for ways to make the world a better place.

“He was one of the first people in the UK to import the snowflake insult and he is a pioneer in the exciting new field of challenging provisions for disabled people. It’s high time ivory tower academics were held accountable to a regular chap like the son of Baron Young of Dartington.”

Mr Johnson also lambasted critics who said that Toby Young was a shit-stirring contrarian with little experience in the field of higher education and who makes everyone think of a ruptured testicle.

He went on, “This is just more whining from marginal special interest groups such as people who will still be alive in 20 years.

“The government was very clear in its manifesto that we will joyfully take a wrecking ball to our world-class universities if it soothes the ignorant prejudices of our doddering voter base.

“As such, we won’t lift a finger to improve research funding, staff retention or academic innovation – but will set up inquisitions whenever Richard Littlejohn writes that free speech is forbidden on campus.

“Universities will now have a legal obligation to host any racist crank who wants a platform. Unless they’re Muslim of course, in which case they have to call Special Branch.”

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