Sunday 31 December 2017 by Pete Redfern

Christmas is over so you can all go back to your own houses now, insists cat


Cats says Christmas is over

A disgruntled cat who is keen to reclaim his normal chair and some peace and quiet is today suggesting that everyone gets lost.

Simon, a tabby from Wokingham, watched in dismay as visitors poured into his house day and night in order to celebrate an arbitrary date in the human calendar, with each of the guests making a right drunken racket and taking it in turns to sit in his favourite chair.

“Haven’t these people not got homes to go to?” hissed Simon with utter disdain.

“Why do my human slaves feel the need to invite these people into my house anyway? All they do is distract them from feeding me, stroking me and generally putting me first, and some of them even have the audacity to sit in my chair.

“Such selfish bastards, why my humans are even friends with them is a complete mystery.

“However, a cursory glance at the calendar on the fridge shows me that this ‘Christmas’ you all get giddy about is now over, so kindly go away take your godawful smells with you.”

Simon’s human attendant Eleanor laughed, saying, “He’s looked even more pissy than usual ever since we put the Christmas tree up.

“And we haven’t had the heart to tell him that we’ll be having a New Year’s Eve party this evening, or that we’ve invited a number of the local cat owners round.

“Still, I’m sure he won’t hold it against us. Now, I must go and investigate why my duvet smells of cat urine.”

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