Saturday 30 December 2017

Nation busy making pathetic last-minute attempt at 2017’s New Year’s resolutions


New Year resolutions

The entire nation is today busy scrambling around making pathetic attempts at entirely ignored 2016 resolutions, before making the next list of never to be attempted personal improvement goals.

Across the country, pages upon pages of year-old good intentions are being removed from sock drawers and filing cabinets, before being rapidly scanned for something, anything, that can be achieved before midnight tomorrow.

Simon Williams of Bagshot spent an hour looking for his list before telling us, “Shit, this one says write a song. A song?! Christ, a Limerick is a sort of song, right?

“Lose half a stone. Nope, I’m going to skip that one, short of donating some organs or a freak amputation in the next 24 hours I’ve got no chance with that.

“Learn a new language? I learned to ask for five beers in Dutch on a stag do to Amsterdam in June, so I think that’s definitely a tick.

“Still, I’m sure it’ll be different with next year’s list, right?”

Michelle Jameson, 29, defended her decision to leave her resolutions until this afternoon, before pointing at a calendar and insisting it is still technically 2017.

“Look, I’ve got nearly 36 hours to go, so I’m not a failure. I am NOT a failure.

“This one here says go to the gym more often. Well, seeing as I never go to the gym, if I go this afternoon I can tick that one off, technically. Shut up, yes I can yes I can yes I can!”

Realist John Gibson said, “I knew what this year was going to be like, so my list includes ‘earn less in real terms’, ‘put on a bit of weight’, ‘lose some hair’ and ‘let my relationship with my wife disintegrate even further’.

“So you see, this is why I’m looking at a page full of ticks.”

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