Thursday 21 December 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Damien Green resigns to spend more time with his pornography


Damian Green resigned

Damien Green, one of the Prime Minister’s closest allies, has resigned ‘to spend more time with his pornography.’

Although it is being widely reported that Mr Green was sacked, his resignation statement would seem to dispute that claim.

“It has become increasingly clear that it is not possible to balance my duties as a minister with the ownership of what is frankly a colossal collection of pornography,” reads the statement.

“The maintenance of a collection of some 40 years’ worth of Razzle, Mayfair, and Shaven Ravers has become an increasingly full-time job, and one which leaves me no time to carry out my ministerial duties in the professional manner expected of a modern politician.

“As such, I tender my resignation with immediate effect, and return to perusing vast quantities of specialist jazz mags.”

The resignation will come as a considerable blow not only to Prime Minister Theresa May, but also to a number of cabinet colleagues who relied on Mr Green.

“This is a personal blow to me,” said David Davis, the hugely competent Brexit minister.

“As Greenie was always happy to pop down to Mr Patel’s on the corner and pick you up a copy of Fiesta or Penthouse.

“I suppose I’ll have to learn how to download pornography on the computer now, which I’m sure won’t cause any problems at all for a man as demonstrably capable as myself.”

It is thought that Mr Green’s first order of business following his resignation will be to move all his pornography down to the shed, and then having a ginormous wank.

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