Tuesday 19 December 2017 by Tom Moore

Negotiations to fix sinking ship enter Phase Two


Theresa May sinking ship

Theresa May has been praised by her own party after completing phase one of negotiations to fix a leak aboard a creaking mass of British sovereignty.

Party members are pleased with the result, which has done nothing to remedy the leak, but did ensure the leak wasn’t as big as some feared it might have been.

An insider told us, “Today is a good day for everyone on board this sinking ship. We have made sufficient progress to enter phase two of leak negotiations without becoming completely submerged”.

The ship set sail in June 2016 after its crew voted in favour of leaving the harbour despite many shipping experts pointing to the dangers of sailing with a leak.

“It’s better to be at the helm of a leaky ship free to explore the oceans, rather than safe and secure on land unable to go anywhere,” Nigel Barge, leader of the leave port campaign told us.

Phase two is expected to last around two years by which time this swollen hunk of British hubris is likely to be rusting at the bottom of the ocean.

Some experts, however, remain more positive about the prospects of the ship with an option to negotiate a transition deal where the ship remains half on land, half submerged, ‘not completely off the table’.

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