Saturday 16 December 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Company to replace pension plan with lottery syndicate


lottery not pension

A company has thought of an inventive new way to alleviate the tedium and cost of maintaining a company pension plan; by setting up a lottery syndicate.

“No one likes pensions, they’re complicated and boring and you don’t get any money for ages,” said Jeremy Bastard, the CEO of Oakey Database Solutions.

“However, a lottery syndicate is fun, simple and you could be a millionaire in a matter of days.”

Mr Bastard has already fired the pension administration department.

Get the NewsThump Daily Briefing

Get the day's NewsThump headlines delivered conveniently to your inbox every day at 5pm - for FREE!

“Hey, staffing efficiencies mean more profits for me and my company which I’m sure will trickle down to the employees in some vague and unspecified way.”

The administration of the lottery syndicate will instead fall to Denise from Admin.

“Well, she’s on 40 John Players a day, so for just one fag-break, instead of flirting with those blokes from the garage, she can pop round the corner to Patels and pick up the tickets.”

Mr Bastard also revealed that he will be fulfilling his legal obligation to contribute to the fund.

“Yeah, I’ll have a pound in there. I’d hate to miss out on a big win.”

Providing the replacement of a pension scheme is successful, Mr Bastard has other innovative ideas for the modern workplace.

“Yeah, I’ve got loads; giving bonuses as Oakey Database Solutions vouchers, so if any staff want to set up a major corporate database they’d qualify for 10% discount, that’s one. Allowing staff to provide their own chairs rather than being stuck with normal office chairs, that’s another. Then there’s topless Thursday and, of course, replacing the fire alarm with just shouting.

“Essentially, I’m a modern-day Richard Branson.”

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: