Friday 15 December 2017

I’ll happily buy your Internet now, Putin tells FCC after net neutrality reversal


Vladimir Putin net neutrality

Owning chunks of the Internet to ensure some sources of information are easier to access than others sounds like a wonderful idea, Vladimir Putin has said this morning.

The announcement comes after the FCC voted 3-2 in favour of allowing ISPs to prioritise data from some websites ahead of others, effectively priming the United States for a multi-tier Internet where your preferred choice of information could carry a hefty tag.

Putin reacted with glee at the vote, telling confidants that America might finally be within his grasp.

He told our source, “Despite my best efforts, citizens of the United States are still getting free and easy access to genuine news sources, but thankfully this latest FCC move will help put an end to that nonsense.

“Buying elections is expensive, even for someone as rich as me, because you have to drown out all the other stuff in favour of your candidate – but imagine if you had control of the Internet and could just price them out of it?

“You can watch all the propaganda videos of my preferred candidate to your heart’s content, but you want to watch something about his opponent? That’ll be $50 please. It’s like they actively want me to take over.

“It’ll be like owning the road into a one-road town. You can come in, but only if I like you.”

China has also weighed in, explaining that a free and open internet is vastly overrated.

A Chinese official told us, “Thanks to your version of the Internet, Kim Kardashian became a megastar – if that doesn’t convince you our approach is best, nothing will.”

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