Friday 15 December 2017 by Arabin Patson

End of Net Neutrality threatens wanking as we know it, warns Silicon Valley


porn net neutrality

Internet giants have warned that scrapping an FCC rule enshrining net neutrality could bring an end to the seemingly endless supply of pornography that has allowed billions of people to diddle themselves for hours over whatever incredibly niche fetish gets them juiced up.

Tech activists are hoping that by explaining the lofty concept of net neutrality in terms people can relate to, like having one ‘off the wrist’ to a feature-length Thundercats porn parody, will motivate people to protest the ruling.

Simon Williams, a veteran tech blogger, claimed that if people wanted to preserve jerking marathons they had to get involved politically.

He explained, “We are living in the golden age of masturbation and few people are aware of that.

“We got so used to being able to stream hour long porn flicks of incredibly specific sexual subgenres that we don’t understand how fragile online onanism is.

“Enjoy tugging to Latvian hermaphrodites anal fisting each other? Not a problem nowadays. But people should remember that this level of smut saturation is comparatively recent.

“Us oldies know what it’s like to wait ten minutes for one pic of tame girl-on-girl action to download, only to have it stopped because your Mom wanted to use the phone. And even that was progress compared to what came before.

“If we lose Net Neutrality, future teenagers might one day have to scour the bushes of the local park for stroke mags left by tramps.

“It will be the biggest technology regression since Concorde stopped flying. Take action now if you want to save your kids from ever knowing what Razzle is.”

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