Thursday 14 December 2017 by Lucas Wilde

Theresa May to give £1billion in exchange for votes from her own party


Theresa May bribe to her own MPs

Theresa May is raiding the magic money tree again, in the hope of securing the support of the people in her own party.

Having realised that members of parliament that site directly behind her are about as loyal as a married rock star on tour, the Prime Minister will offer the Conservative party £1billion in exchange for voting the right way in the future in all future ballots.

“We thought we had this sewn up with the DUP, and that their numbers would give a majority in every significant vote put before the house,” sighed Downing Street spokesperson, Simon Williams.

“But apparently not. It seems these days unwavering party loyalty to plan that’s going tits-up isn’t as important as something called a ‘conscience’. Which sounds ridiculous, don’t you think?

Honestly, we never thought we’d have to bribe our own MPs into voting with us, especially with the amount of dirt the whips’ office has got on so many of them, but I guess that’s just 2017 all over, isn’t it.

“I’m not quite sure where the money is going to come from yet, the magic money tree appears to be bare, so we may have to sell the current jewel in our crown, Coventry.”

Rebel Tory MP, Jay Cooper, said, “Yes, I think £1billion might do the trick.

“We’ll spend it on the usual combination of coke, prozzies and roasted swan. It’s going to be one hell of an evening.

“Wouldn’t it be funny if we got so utterly plastered that we forgot to vote the next day! ‘Megalols’ is the phrase, I believe.”

I think, therefore I am (not a Brexit supporter) – get the t-shirt here!

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