Tuesday 12 December 2017 by Philip Kendall

Miniature Bounty bars optimistic about being eaten this year


Celebrations

Miniature Bounty bars across the country have expressed their optimism about not being left to rot at the bottoms of Celebrations tubs this year.

The confection, which has been included in Mars’ popular variety pack ever since its inception in 1997, combines the sweet, delicious taste of milk chocolate with the horrible, retch-inducing texture of dried coconut, and is widely accepted to be the worst thing ever.

Nevertheless, the tiny chocolates have a good feeling about this year, and are optimistic that they won’t end up in the bin sometime next April.

“Celebrations turned 20 this year,” said one upbeat Bounty. “And that, for me, is enough to fill me with hope for the Christmas ahead.

“For nineteen years, people have rummaged through our oversized plastic containers, sneering and shoving my kind aside as they search for a sweet treat whose flavour isn’t immediately ruined by the merciless, gritty texture of coconut and the cloying aroma of 1980s suntan lotion,” it said.

“But this year’s going to be different; I can feel it.”

“Sure, we might never get picked over a miniature Mars bar, or a Malteser or a Twix, or any of the other chocolates that aren’t filled with a substance that immediately lodges itself in your teeth,” said another.

“But eventually someone, somewhere, is going to be pissed enough that, as they stagger around the house in the wee hours of a post-Christmas morning in search of sustenance, they open up the tub, find a bunch of Bountys lying there and reluctantly put one of us in their mouths.

“Merry Christmas, everyone! Horrible, gritty coconut for all!”

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