Tuesday 12 December 2017 by Pete Redfern

Manhattan terrorist who blew his own balls off in botched attack hoping to get a few virgins for trying


ISIS

The wannabe suicide bomber who managed to hurt only himself in a botched attack yesterday has told police he is still hoping to receive a reward in the afterlife for at least giving it a go.

Akayed Ullah, who had the good fortune to be born in a country not included as one of the six arbitrarily picked by Donald Trump as part of his controversial ‘travel ban’, was injured when the low-tech explosive device he was wearing around his waist went off at the Port Authority terminal yesterday morning.

Police officer Chuck Williams, who arrested the still smouldering suspect, told reporters with a chuckle, “This guy was writhing around in pain, clearly distressed that he was the only person to be seriously injured by the bomb he had cabled-tied to his body, dangerously close to his genitals.

“I mean, no-one likes Monday mornings, but this fella had the worst one for sure. We gave him some painkillers and when they had kicked in a bit he calmed down and started asking if we thought he’d get at least a handful of virgins in the afterlife for his efforts. Like, maybe ten percent for trying.

“So one of my Muslim colleagues just laughed and advised him to watch fewer ISIS videos and read the Q’uran a bit more. Who knows if he will though, the daft bastard.”

President Trump has responded to the incident by demanding that a load more foreign countries be added to his travel ban, especially ones that he has great difficulty spelling, like Bangla-whatever-it-was.

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